Learn about the pros and cons of online date diaries. On Dating Episode “Date blogging” Andrea Syrtash: Hi I am Andrea Syrtash, today in On Dating we’re talking with the popular blogger Alyssa Shelasky, who will talk to us about some of the pros and cons of keeping an online dating diary, otherwise known as the data blog. Date blogging it is a whole new way to date, or is it? Stay tuned to find out. Would you be mad if your partner wrote about your love life? Woman on street: If someone that I was dating wrote about me I would be a little upset, depending on what it was. Man on street: I don’t think I would be really mad, as long as they went divulging everything about our relationship. Man on street: I am an open guy I probably would just laugh. Woman on street: I don’t know I guess it depends what they said I guess. Man on street: If it was extremely personal than I would have issues with writing about me on a blog, ECT. Woman on street: I would be upset if somebody wrote about my love life, I think that that is very personal. Man on street: It depends on what they would write if I would be mad if they wrote about it. Woman on street: If they did not ask permission I probably would be shot, but I would not be that upset. Andrea Syrtash: We are in the studio today with Glamour magazine’s online resident dater Alyssa Shelasky, Alyssa claims that she is very good at being single and she is up for anything to meet the right match, is that true? Are you up for anything to meet the right match? Alyssa Shelasky: I mean I was when I first took this assignment that was my goals in life, to find the one and find happiness and let the glamour readers’ help me along the way. I don’t know that that is all I’m obsessed with anymore, but it is definitely part of my life. Andrea Syrtash: For those who do not know did I get it right, is it an online dating diary? Alyssa Shelasky: It is basically a everyday column documenting my life as a single girl at the time in LA, so from first dates to bad dates, two being set up or issues with the ex, it is just my diary focusing on my love life that I am sharing with the world. Andrea Syrtash: So you are sharing it with the world, and what do the guys who your dating think about this generally? Alyssa Shelasky: Well yeah, nobody, the guys in general did not really like it. I mean there is a certain type of guy who loves to be blogged about and those are these narcissistic types of men who I’m not generally attracted to in the first place. So the kind of guys I’m attracted to I like the more serious, mature men and did not want a part. Andrea Syrtash: I can’t see it being very good, just as a dating coach I am thinking part of the dating strategy is the mystery and intrigue right at the beginning of dating. Alyssa Shelasky: It is like you need a certain poker face I guess when you first start dating somebody and there is no such thing. Of course I was in control of how much I wanted to write or how little I wanted to write so I could maintain some sense of personal privacy. I never blogged about personal sex life or anything like that, I kept it very G rated. So I tried to be careful with most things I said, but still most guys they do not want even the littlest thing mentioned. And so it was a hard balance between giving the readers something that is compelling and taking care and nurturing these new relationships that I was developing. Andrea Syrtash: How much do you consider the readers? If they make comments like Alyssa do this, or do that are you following that? Alyssa Shelasky: Well, when I first started at glamour that was sort of the gimmick; the readers were going to get to vote on my actions. Andrea Syrtash: Vote on your dating life? Alyssa Shelasky: Yeah, I mean I would give them the questions I would ask them things that I was comfortable as sort of any kind of answer. You know, I am not sure about this guy on paper he looks great but I am not physically attracted to him should I give him another chance. Well that would have been mean I did not actually say that one, because then the guy would have read that I was not physically attracted to him. But you know what ever I would, I am not sure about this guy it has been three dates should I give it one more, yes or no? Andrea Syrtash: And based on the vote you would yes or no? Alyssa Shelasky: Yeah, I mean I would have to do whatever they said and sometimes I did not really like the answer but it was this sort of a pact I had with them. It was only for six months and I was just like you know what, I’m going to do this crazy experiment. Who knows maybe it will work, and is not as a writer and a journalist what a cool opportunity to do something different and so modern, because blogging is so when it is that right now. Andrea Syrtash: So yeah, that is true; it sounds like a very interesting social experiment at the very least and probably an experiment for your dating life because you are trying new things that you may not have tried. Alyssa Shelasky: While that is true, I had just come from a breakup and I literally picked up and moved to L.A. overnight because I was like I want to start fresh. You know, when you first breakup with someone you are inclined to, for me at least, to isolate and be a hermit and just stay away from boys in general. So this really helped me. I fell like I was obligated to date at least three or four nights a week. Andrea Syrtash: It was your job. Alyssa Shelasky: It was my job; I was paid to the social and put myself out there, so I think that was good. It was good for the healing process and it got me back out there. I met some great people, I did not meet my future husband which is totally fine. Andrea Syrtash: But you have some good experiences? Alyssa Shelasky: Some good experiences, yeah. Andrea Syrtash: I thought you on a panel at SXSW talking about is a cool to blog after a first date, can you share so the conclusions that you came up with for the viewers? Alyssa Shelasky: Yeah, my conclusion for me it was very, it is sort of a counterproductive thing. It is almost impossible to have a healthy relationship with the guy if you’re writing about it, maybe some people can do it and maybe some couples can do it before me I couldn’t do it. That is what ultimately when the six months were up and glamour was like do you want to keep doing this I was just I have two, it is not a great idea I really want to meet somebody and I do not think I can do it while I’m talking about it on line. Andrea Syrtash: So now you are blogging about dating and many other things, or are you not blogging? Alyssa Shelasky: Yeah, I needed a major break from blogging about dating, I just felt like, I had met a few good guys along the way that were like you know what, when you’re done with this, this whole crazy job of yours call me. And I just want to focus more on serious guys and take my personal life more seriously, so I just blogged about other things. I mean life is more than just about boys and I am 29 almost 30 and still trying to figure out where I want to live and my whole identity so there’s plenty of topics and juicy things outside of the bedroom. That my readers seem to be, and you know they’re happy for me, they understand. Throughout the whole six months they’re alike Alyssa we can give you all the advice in the world, all the votes in the world, but at the end of the day you need to quit his job if you want to find a guy. But he got that it was a very difficult situation. Andrea Syrtash: So that is an obvious con, in a totally get that so for viewers who think about date blogging, and I’m heard this come up a lot. Can you have a date blog and still have a good social life? Alyssa Shelasky: If it is anonymous, that changes everything. It would be great, I would love to write an anonymous blog because there so many things, drama and idiosyncrasy is that go along with dating that you could only tell your best friend. Could you imagine if we could all talk about it on a blog? Like the real hardcore stuff, the stuff I could not say with my name attached to it. Andrea Syrtash: And with your parents reading it. Alyssa Shelasky: And with my pants reading it, and with my, you know my accountant and with my pants reading it, and with my you know my accountant reading it there are just things I did not want to talk about. But think about the beginning of the relationship and how many crazy thoughts are going through your head. So yes anonymously I think you can do it. Andrea Syrtash: So blogging, has this helped or hurt your social life? Alyssa Shelasky: I would say it helped, because I have always wanted to be a writer in New York City and of course like all female writers I wanted to be the next Carrie Bradshaw I have met so many cool people in this blogosphere as they call it, and I have met a lot of other women who are attempting to do something similar, like have a dating blog of their own or write about life as a single girl in New York. We all sort of have the same experience where we feel a responsibility to our readers to be as open and honest and cool as possible, but yet the downside to that is that it hurts people involved. It can embarrass guys, but any way it has been great to meet others. I used to be at US weekly and I was sort of just chasing Ben Affleck around Turks and Caicos and I was like hmm was this one I went to Columbia for? So this has helped me identify as a journalist in some sense of the word. Andrea Syrtash: OK so that is a great piece of advice, to be anonymous if you’re going to start a date blog or a dating blog, what do you call it a dating blog? Alyssa Shelasky: A dating blog, kissing and blogging. Andrea Syrtash: Kissing and blogging, what is another kissing and blogging piece of advice you have? Alyssa Shelasky: I think you just have to be prepared for the comments that you get, a few deleting bloggers that I know do not allowed comments because it just encourages people, I mean you are talking about some really personal scandalous things. It really brings out a very opinionated side in people, so I get some wonderful loving comments from women who have never met me who are like, who say the sweetest things. I also get some people who are really judgmental and say some hurtful things and just the types of people who just want to be mean, Internet trolls’ I guess they’re called. Andrea Syrtash: So you probably have to have a thick skin going in right? Alyssa Shelasky: Yeah, there’s something called having a bloggers skin which I have yet to develop, because I am so sensitive, I’m definitely too sensitive for this kind of dating blog. Yeah, if you have a thick skin and you can actually laugh at what they’re saying, these are women who have nothing better to do then refresh the glamour website all day long. So you either have to have a sense of humor about it or not read it, or just look at it like a sociologist or something. Andrea Syrtash: It is one person’s opinion. Alyssa Shelasky: It is a person’s opinion that has never known you, and has never looked inside your eyes and does not know the kind of person that you really are. I just think that you have to own it; you have to get into it. When you meet guys just say hey I have a dating blog, and I promise I am not going to ruin your reputation, I promise I’m not going to reveal your name or anything about you. You might not likely you are going to read, love me or leave me. Andrea Syrtash: Here are some things we learned about date blogging; blogging can be stressful and hard on relationships. Anonymous blogs tend to be the best; you can be the most uninhibited this way. Always be prepared for feedback if you have a blog, no matter what that is going to happen. I am sure people would love to check out your writing, where should they go to do that? Alyssa Shelasky: They should go to the glamour.com web site and my blog is called Alyssa centric. You can either see my face and click it or look for Alyssa centric. Andrea Syrtash: And you can also find it on our web site at Onnetworks.com, thanks so much for watching On Dating and thanks so much for being here today. And everybody should always remember that even a bad date makes a great story so get out there and have some fun, I will see you next time.